random things...

I have tons of thoughts in my head and I feel like I have to just type away. I need to do a cleanse! I've been online for hours trying to find one that is safe and suitable. My body is sluggish to the extreme and I NEED a cleanse for sure. There's this couple at my church that sell natural supplements but I always forget to ask how much cause you know with me that's what determines if I can do it or not.

My husband starts work again today PRAISE GOD! and so now he will be bringing in more money & we can actually buy healthy expensive foods again!! That's the first thing that came to my mind when he said "well....I go back to work tomorrow". He works for the carpenter's union so the jobs he works at are random and he never knows what he's going to be doing until he arrives at the jobsite (even though he is a Carpenter). He called me this morning to tell me he's going to be working on this big jobsite on 5 man made lakes where huge homes are built on. They are rebuilding their waterways or something and he gets to work IN THE WATER. He didn't sound excited in the least. He gets to wear the whole wet pants and boots and all that I suppose.

I come into the office to work once a week and I noticed that I can hardly get away from my desk. I feel extremely...how should I say this...timid and shy. But like really badly, almost like....what's that word...reclusive. I see people I know and I turn the other way so I don't have to talk to them. I'm finding that I am doing this at church now. The only reason I am still even talking to people is because I have my RU group of ladies. I am finding though that I am missing A LOT of church to the point where my husband will actually ask me "you going to church today"? which is really weird. I mean I am at church at least twice a week but thoughts of not going cross my mind at LEAST a dozen times. I change my mind about going or not going so many times before I actually step foot in that church building. Coming to work the ONE DAY my boss requires me to be here is now the same! I KNOW it's got to do with my weight and I can't wait to be rid of it. I don't think it's ever affected me this way. I actually feel sorry for myself. Not in a sympathetic sort of way, but sorry it's gotten to affect me this way. I'm not proud of who I have become and I can't wait to be myself again. I don't take pride in how I look and most of the time I am wearing really big clothes. I've NEVER been in a 2X and even though I do fit in a 1X (or XL) I steer away from them because you can see my fat stomach.

It looks like we are still going to my mom's for Christmas and my sister Nancy called me so I can bid on a treadmill for her!! It's local pick up only and she still doesn't really understand Ebay for some reason, so she's asking me to get it for her. Hopefully by the time we get there, she will have it and we can work out while I am there.

I need to stop feeling like there's all this pressure on me. I'm stressing myself out on lots of levels and I don't need to feel this way. This stress that I am creating for myself leads me to eat crap I feel will comfort me. Lauren, the teenager living with us is going to start going to her Dad's every weekend even though her Dad doesn't know that yet. He has cancer but looks to be feeling much better. He doesn't want her back, point blank but having her in my house is affecting my stress levels. She doesn't appreciate a lot of the things we are doing for her so I think she needs a bit of a reality check. Everything is harder with her there and once she does transition to being at home full time, it will be MUCH easier to do the things we need to do to lead a healthier lifestyle.

Hope you have a great day & God Bless!